These days, self-integrity is really important to me. I will sacrifice comfort, convenience and opportunity to retain and regain my self-integrity. I understand the consequence of a divided mind – weighing me down with internal conflicts and the energy required to keep track of all the inconsistencies and when to allow or forbid each one.
As a child, i had no understanding of my self-integrity or its value. I was motivated by the experience of the moment. I cared about minimizing suffering and maximizing enjoyment. This meant mentally separating from my body to minimise the suffering of abuse. As the abuse included my head, i also separated from my head, my own face, and restricted my personal space to a small volume within my skull. I created an alternative reality in there to compensate for the loss of my connection to my physical reality. A place to hang out in my mind.
To know about the depths of evil can be overwhelming. When I hear victims testify about the horrible things that the Luciferians did to them, I have sometimes felt overwhelmed.
You may know that I am a born again Christian. I know Jesus as my Lord and Saviour. I did not in any way seek for Jesus. I hated Jesus. I thought Christianity was a load of bollocks. But God revealed to me the truth that Jesus is God and He loves me.
It took me quite a while to recalibrate after I met Jesus.
When I feel overwhelmed by hearing accounts of what the evildoers (especially the Luciferians) do to their victims, I ask Jesus to take the sting out.
I pray to Jesus. Knowing Him as my Lord and Saviour, I utter in spoken words or say in my mind:
“Dear Lord – my mind, my heart, my soul cannot bear this stuff. I don’t want to block out this stuff by going into amnesia. I want to remember the facts of it, but my mind can’t bear the pain and horror. You know the pain and horror. You bore it all on the Cross. Please take the sting out so my mind can remember the facts without my heart being whited-out by the abominations that evildoers do.”
My human frail mind cannot bear the sting: it is too overwhelming to think with my heart and soul, empathetically, with and for the victims of these evildoers.
But Jesus can and has borne the sting—He bore it on the Cross. He willingly suffered the wrath of God for all sins that human beings have and will ever commit.
He can and He does take away the sting so that I can remember and think about the evil without being overwhelmed by it.